this is rich XD

Due to the always changing political climate in today's society, the following nursery rhyme:



Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pale of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown; and Jill soon came tumbling after.



has been changed to read:



Two young persons of opposite genders, proceeded toward the apex of a natural geologic protuberance. The purpose of their expedition was to procure a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was omniously omitted from the record. As the male person precipitously descended, he consequently sustained severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomy. A similar fate befell the female, who immediately after the male person, performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the same direction having been traversed by the young man.

Due to the always changing political climate in today's society, the following nursery rhyme:



Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean; And so, between them both, you see, they licked the platter clean.



has been changed to read:



Complications arose during a non-congressional investigation of dietary influence. One person of the male gender was unable to assimilate adipose tissue, and another person, of the female gender, was unable to consume tissue consisting chiefly of muscle fiber. A reciprocal arrangement between the two, who also happened to be a party of a domesticated alliance, allowed for the total consumption of the viands under consideration, which was unltimately achieved, thus, leaving the original container of the viands devoid of any contents.

Due to the always changing political climate in today's society, the following nursery rhyme:



Three blind mice. See how they run. They all ran after a farmer's wife, who cut off their tails with a carving knife. Did you ever see such a sight in your life, as three blind mice?



has been changed to read:



A triumvirate of murine rodents totally devoid of ophthalmic acuity was observed in a state of rapid locomotion in pursuit of an agriculturalist's uxorial adjunct. The aforesaid adjunct then performed a triple caudectomy utilizing an acutely honed bladed instrument generally used for subdivision of edible tissue.

Due to the always changing political climate in today's society, the following nursery rhyme:



Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow? With silver bells and cockle shells, and pretty maids all in a row.



has been changed to read:



A person of the female gender, extremely captious and given to opposed behavior, was questioned as to the dynamic state of her cultivated tract of land used for the production of various types of flora. The tract components were enumerated as argentous tone-producing agents, a rare species of oceanic growth, and pulchritudinous young females situated in a linear orientation.

Due to the always changing political climate in today's society, the following nursery rhyme:



Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone. But when she got there, the cupboard was bare, so the poor dog had none.



has been changed to read:



A geriatric person of female gender proceeded to a storage compartment for the purpose of procuring a fragment of osseous tissue from an unidentified deceased specimen to transfer to an indigent carnivorous domesticated mammal, Canis familiaris, of the family Canidae. Upon arrival at her destination, she found the storage compartment in denuded condition, with the consequence that the indigent carnivore was deprived of the intended donation.

Due to the always changing political climate in today's society, the following nursery rhyme:



Mary had a little lamb. Its fleece was white as snow. Everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.



has been changed to read:



A young person of the female gender was the possessor of a small immature ruminant of the species genus Ovis, whose outermost covering reflected all wavelengths of visible light with a luminosity equal to that of a mass of naturally occurring microscopically crystalline water. Regardless of the translational path chosen by the aforesaid young person, there was a 100% probability that the aforementioned ruminant would select the same pathway.

Due to the always changing political climate in today's society, the following nursery rhyme:



Little Jack Horner, sat in a corner, eating a Christmas pie. He stuck in his thumb, and pulled out a plum, and said, "What a good boy am I!"



has been changed to read:



A young person of the male persuasion was situated near the intersection of two supporting elements at right angles to each other. Said person was involved in ingesting a saccharine composition prepared in conjunction with the ritual celebration of an annual religious event. Insertion into the saccharine composition of the opposable digit of his forelimb was followed by removal of a drop of genus Prunus. Immediately thereafter, this person made a declarative statement regarding the high quality of his character as a young male.